Big Change

Prashant had a severe mood swing and told me he wasn't in love with me. I'm alright (No, seriously I am). I was beginning to think myself that we work better as friends.

Who am I kidding?

I love him.

But anyway, I was honest when I said I'm fine. We still have normal conversations and all so it's okay.

Devi thinks my writing has gone for a six. I kind of agree, it doesn't sound as good as it used to pre-Prashant. Maybe that's just because I'm preoccupied and messed up. Therefore, my writing comes out sounding like emo, whiny shit. Plus, I don’t even feel like writing anymore which is why I have gone from posting everyday to posting once in two weeks (hey, there’s no harm in believing someone cares).

School situation is sucky. I had a major fall-out with the sluts (female and male) and I don’t talk to or hang out with them anymore. Instead I hang out with Babyvoice and Dib (I bonded with Dib over the face that she has an NRI long-distance relationship and the fact that strangely whenever I’m with her, her crush hangs around her a lot more {the reason for that might not be all that strange ;)}) Not really the ‘in’ crowd but they’re sweet kids. Mom said something about water finally finding its level, which wasn’t very nice.

I gave my first blank sheet test which means I knew absolutely NOTHING. Worst bit is, it was a maths test and Maths is supposed to be my forte. Sheesh. My studies are really going down the hill. Along with my social life and love life.

The past week has made me realize how dependent I am on Prashant to make me feel good. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that he sort of pulled me out of the dark ages of my life back in April. I need him to make me feel sexy/smart/funny/beautiful/desired. It’s bad enough I’m dependent of male attention to feel good about myself; it sucks worse when only one guy has that power over me. And he keeps messing up. He goes through these cycles. First, he’ll flirt outrageously, I’ll flirt back and we’ll both make each other go weak in the knees. Then, he’ll get more serious, romantic and this will eventually lead to a conversation on that disastrous topic of ‘us’. I’ll get more and more determined to make it work with my blind optimism and he’ll get more and more convinced I won’t like him and that it won’t work with his crippling pessimism. Both of us are wrong, we really shouldn’t spoil the natural flow of things this way or that way. But anyway, after talks fail he will decide to take matters into his own hands and make me hate him or distance him from me, which makes life hell. It leaves so much doubt and insecurity. I’ll cry, moan, groan, obsess and ruminate over it till I reach the inevitable conclusion: He doesn’t love me, he never did. The next few weeks/months will be grey (I don’t know how else to describe them). After all this, he’ll go through his post-secret inspired phase where he’ll apologize to me and try and be nicer or a better friend. And we will be friends, awesome friends. And one day when both of us are feeling flirtatious the cycle will begin again.

You don’t need to be a genius to see how bad he is for me. He messes with my head and heart with his moods shifting gears every two minutes and the whirlwind romance. It’s bad to depend on someone this unstable for anything but I really wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll take the shit and wait for the cycle to repeat itself. The good is so good, it makes the bad bearable. I know it’s pathetic, self depreciating and degrading but I really don’t give two hoots what the feminists/confidence coaches/best friends of the world think, I love the chase.

But for now, I’m just going to go listen to some Avril Lavigne.

So much for my happy ending.