Epiphany?

It’s crazy how good it can feel when someone cheats off you in an exam. Sure you must be thinking: Why should someone who was probably out getting drunk or watching The OC re-runs or like sleeping, while I was studying my brains off get the benefit of all my hard work, huh?

Well, that’s just looking at the glass half empty. It makes me feel really smug because, heck, I’d rather be on this side of the scenario any day. When someone’s cheating off you, they’re completely entirely dependent on you. They’ve pinned all hopes on you. If something were to happen, if you were to slide your paper a bit to the side or if they were moved to a more isolated table, they would have nothing to help them. It’s a one way road to Loserville from there. I don’t see too much green grass on that side. And face it deep down no one is okay with flunking.

Why would you want to rely on anyone for so much? Maybe it’s just me but I couldn’t stand it. I’ve had bad experiences with depending on other people for things and really, no matter how trustworthy someone has proven themselves to be, in the end they have their own life to live and it’s just wrong to expect them to be there no matter what. I’m not saying people should be selfish loners and live only for themselves and never expect anything out of anyone. Just that, you shouldn’t depend on anyone so much that you are lost and helpless if something were to go wrong between you and that person.

Maybe that’s a tad hypocritical of me because I love it when the people I love can depend on me for things, to make them happy, to give great advice, to listen to them when they need to vent, to lend them money, to explain maths etc. It’s not so much about the control and power and more about being special for that person. Isn’t it the most wonderful feeling when you know that when someone is sad they call you up because you can help?
Narcissism, but still.

I smoked today after centuries. It’s strange that how for the 5 months that I did have cigarettes around I never felt the urge to smoke and the moment it was gone, it was like I’d lost my security blanket. Anyway, it didn’t feel that great. In fact I feel a lot worse now, drained.

I was thinking about the first time I ever smoked.
First time, symbolically, was 6^th grade when I’d seen Rohan smoke. I was curious though pretty wary. He caught me staring and asked if I wanted to try. I walked over, gracefully took it from him and gloriously mouth-fagged. He laughed his ass off, then he put it out and we went to get ice-cream. Rohan never seemed like a 13 year old or a 16 year old to me, throughout the time I knew him, he always seemed older. I suspect the smoking and

Holier-than-thou attitude had something to do with that.
The first time I literally smoked was 2 years later. I walked into the perpetual cloud of smoke that hung around his room and walked over to him and sat down next to him. Even then, Rohan and I were never like a 15 year old and a 13 year old, we were more like a 21 year old and a 19 year old, if that makes any sense. This time, he threw in a few instructions so I did it properly. I took a few drags and felt disgusted. He shot me a look of amusement and said he was glad I felt that way.
The next came 2 more years later...