Beyond Years

Someone who has gotten close to me recently told me that I grew up way too fast for a 17 year old. And the funny thing is, I never really saw it this way before.


I’ve always looked at happenings in my life from the negative perspective. As in, how A fucked me over and B fucked me over worse. I always assumed it would create a lot of long-lasting hurdles in my life, leave me scarred for life with issues to overcome. This phase started when I was 15, and now two years later I can safely say it’s over. There are two sides to every coin and for the first time, I see both.


Now that I look back, yes, it did take me a while and a lot of whining before I got over Prashant. And the way I saw it then, I was a pathetic, loser for throwing myself at him again and again and he was an asshole for leading me on. The way that I see it now, I was at my vulnerable worst at that point in my life and dating him were the only moments happiness I had had in that stretch and I wasn’t ready to believe that it was over and done with just like that and he did what most boys in his position would have.


Yes, those bitches in school did screw me over and ruin my life for a couple of months. And a mini-version of that happened in college as well. It is enough for me to think that I’m a weirdo who no one can really get along with and starts hating after a point, but then I look at how right after both those incidents I made amazing friends who have stayed by me through everything and whom I can trust with my life.


Parth, for a long time, was someone I couldn’t imagine my life without. He was my first real love and my first real heartbreak. But whatever happened was entirely his fault or mine. I should have handled things better and he should have known better, and all of this just goes to say that we weren’t right for each other and it should have ended long before it started getting painful. Now, we lead separate lives, with almost no overlap and even though I wish things were more pleasant, I’m better off on the outside of this storm.


Maybe relationships in my life seem more turbulent than those of people around me but that’s partly because they just appear simpler on the surface and partly because I’ve always done things impulsively and I’m still making mistakes and learning from them.


Even though a lot of stuff I do goes wrong, some of it does go right and that’s enough for me to not lose faith in myself.